fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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