At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think people are normalizing furries
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
