I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
