just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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