but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Randomize
