one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
