I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
