I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
