if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
