just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
