My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
