im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
