The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
