Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
