I met the friendliest cop last night
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
