3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
