My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
