you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
