and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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