Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
