True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
