Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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