I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
