Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
