i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
