Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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