you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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