It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
