Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
