she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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