There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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