how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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