u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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