Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Someone came in the potted fern
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
