Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
