This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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