i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize