So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
