note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
