i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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