All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
