The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
