If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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