If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
