Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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