you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
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