I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
