It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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