Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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