i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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