Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
