I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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