So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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