just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm really busy with my period
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
