so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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