I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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