i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
