I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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