I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
