i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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